F*** This Day

This is the worst day ever.

Today supposed to be my Intravenous Therapy seminar. Guess what? I blew it off. I came 30 minutes late for the three-day seminar.

I was confident that I will make it on time. Coming from Marikina, it usually takes me one and a half hours to make it in Makati Med. But as I saw the seemingly endless line of people in the shuttle ride, I knew I had to take another way. I took the FX to Cubao going to MRT. And guess what? More lines! It was so long that it stretched to the stairs of the MRT station. I had to take the bus.

And so I took the bus going to Ayala. 8:30 AM, I thought I would still make it. Then, my worst fears came true: I got stuck on a traffic jam. There was no way to pave the way, no miracles to save me.

When I got to the hospital, I rushed to the ninth floor. 9:30 AM in my watch. I spoke to the lecturer. She won't let me in. I tried to beg, telling her where I came from and the traffic and all that stuff. But she wasn't persuaded. She had me rescheduled.

I was crushed. This is the worst feeling ever, I have to say. I failed myself. Now I had to go back down to the hellish ER to work my ass off until the end of the shift.

What could possibly go wrong? I was placed in the critical area. They had three toxic patients. I was not in the condition to work. Actually, I didn't want to work. And I didn't care about the due medications, procedures and stuff. I just didn't gave a damn. I was really pissed off to the core.

I went home exhausted, angry, sad, depressed. I don't deserve this kind of day, really.

For three days I will toil, together with the stress of the area, the attitudes of the people, everything. And I thought this would be a great day because I'll be reunited with my direct-hired batch for three awesome days! Plus, the idea that I got delayed for IVT is just humiliating.

I feel like not going to work tomorrow. I wish the storm would just wreck the roads again until it becomes unpassable. I wish bad karma for that inconsiderate lecturer who didn't let me in. I wish all the damn people in the ER would go to hell ASAP. Bitterness. This is a fucking day.

Consumed by Work

I think I've been consumed by my work. Every single day I had to worry what area will I be placed, how many patients will there be, how many must be admitted, how many times will I go up and down to admit patients in different rooms and in different floors, how many...

I can't help but count it all. Every time I see the ER swelling up with patients in numbers, my brain feels like shutting down. Because in the ER, no one can afford to be slow. Everything must be lightning fast. Sometimes, we can't afford to even take a break, or a seat, nor a pee. From the time the orders are given, one must assume to know it in an instant. From the medications to the diagnostic procedures to the referrals. Time management is a talent one must have.

It sucks to think that I'm not yet good enough. I don't have a good short-term memory span. Because of that, I sometimes feel that most of my direct-hired batch mates are already ahead of me in terms of how much information and skills they know. I have a good preceptor (kinda like a CI) though. It's the learner who has the problem sometimes.

But I know I can function well. I'm not in the competition of who works fastest. I'm at my own pace. And I make sure my work is clean.

Every single day I am forced to deal with people and their attitudes. It often comes from the patients and relatives. But from what I witnessed, a great deal of it also comes from the colleagues and doctors. They would sometimes bring out issues from a personal note. Then suddenly you have no idea that you're being talked about. It really freaks me out that I can't trust anyone (and I actually don't). I do get paranoid sometimes (which is probably one of my innate features) and it pisses me off badly. But I've learned to wield a heart of steel.

I can't help but say that there is a seniority rule in the ER. Every hospital has it anyway. Trainees do all the dirty chores and vital signs monitoring, probees do the all oral and intramuscular medication administration, juniors do what probees do plus the IV drugs and fluids, seniors are in charge with admissions (although both probees and juniors can do it) and looks out for the trainees, probees and juniors, and lastly charge nurses monitor every activity in the ER and does not do patient care at all (most of the times). But every nurse is expected to carry out the doctor's orders depending in their proficiency level.

As a probee, I have been "intoxicated" by my seniors (which is sometimes really uneccessary because they just want to pick up on me) then get scolded at for being slow or not good with with certain things. It's all part of a day's work. I've learned to suck it up. Though it makes me feel bad about myself at least I always learn something.

I'll be a junior on December, that means I will be a regular working staff nurse in the ER which accounts for a new uniform. It's like our toga of probee hardships. After six months of being watched over by a preceptor, we are free to go our ways and work independently. That is plain scary. I could only think of the errors that I will commit when I work as a junior. This time, nobody will be there to catch me. And I'm not so good with troubleshooting either. I just hope I could handle these all.

There is just so much stress in a nurse's work. So much to handle, so many things at stake that even our lives are at line. To be honest, I'm growing tired of it's demands (plus the uneccesary stress that's always being added in the line of torture). Don't get me wrong though. Working can be really fun at times (like having celebrity patients, lots of bloopers, and when no patient comes at all). The after-work bonding is what that counts, when we share all our stories and just let the emotions out in the open.

I don't want to be consumed by work. I don't want to experience that feeling that even at your most vivid dreams you can see yourself still working. But that's all I got as for the moment. Well at least I am earning, but still... I finally understand the saying that one must work to live, not live to work. But what I know is that when works becomes a sucker, it means it's time to get out. I wonder when will it be soon for me...

An Update

I've never blogged about anything for almost forever.

Well, to update me and my many, many followers, I have been working my ass off the ER of Makati Med. I've finally got used to it; the travel, the work and the people. Although my work is still limited since I'm still on probationary, my responsibilities are getting heavier.

Yesterday, I attended the training for safe medication practice. This training will give me the right to finally administer medications (except IV meds though because they will still require us another training for that.) From bed side care to paper works to carrying out the doctor's orders, the line of duties are building up.

Not to worry, though. I'm hoping I could handle the job.

I'm always drunk every weekend. It's almost a habit for us to hang out in a bar to get some drink and go home late. But I'm trying to wean myself out of the alcohol, seriously. I'm already getting financially shorthanded. Yet friends are forces hard to oppose.

This is quite a short update. To be honest, I'm quite tired of blogging the every-now-and-then details of my life. It's part of getting busy with work. And through this, I vindicate myself.

Conscious and Coherent but Weak and Ill-looking

It's been two weeks since I began working in the ER. Although as probees we had limited task to do, we always had a lot of action.

The ER, as expected, is damn busy. It's like when a mall raised up a big time sale and everyone's just eager to grab stuff. The doctors, senior nurses and patients always have something to ask or request even if they know you don't know what to do. That's why I had to learn fast about the operations of the department. Luckily, I was able to learn a lot of things like charging procedures, medications and services, relaying diet at the diet department, endorsing patients (still not good at it though), and admitting patients (again, haven't really mastered it.) As usual, we are doing vital signs monitoring as well as urine input and output recording forever. At times, we can do procedures like removing IV insertions and administering medications as long as we are supervised. We do overtime most of the days because there are lots of things yet to be done.

Weekends are a blessing. That means party after a long week of hardworking. But not today, sadly. I've been sick these four days. I'm having cough and colds (and sometimes fever) and I m guessing I got this from one of my patients in the pediatric ward. This week was quite rough for me. I had a hard time pulling myself together. I look more like a patient than a nurse. And so this weekend is not a party, but more of a full bed rest.

I really, really hope I get better when I get back to work on Monday. I can't afford wearing protective mask all day long. It's suffocating!

Hello Emergency Department, Thank You H1N1!

I got transferred from the standard nursing units to the emergency department. Sweet!

While having our orientation for the wards last Monday, seven of us were pulled out to have a talk with a nurse official. She said that the emergency department is in need of more nurses due to the pandemic A H1N1 influenza virus alert. Based on our interviews and areas of choice, we were the chosen ones to be added in the emergency team.

It has been three days since we left the ward and began at the ER, and boy it was lethally boring. All we did was read thick manuals, chat with ourselves and meet with the department head for a few minutes and back to the manuals. The ER was really busy that's why there's really no one who will attend to our orientation needs. That's quite understandable, but in my opinion, they shouldn't lock us up in a room with ourselves and have literally nothing to do.

So this is how our job works. For the first two weeks, we don't have anything to do but observe, see how things work in the ER, and probably assist in minor things like transporting patients. Then, for the first two months, we will be allowed to take vital signs and have our buddy nurses to teach us on hands-on work and paper works. During the third month, we will be attending seminars such as safe medication practice (to allow us to give oral and parenteral medications), intravenous therapy (because they wanted to teach us their own guidelines), wound care, safety and transferring, basic and advanced cardiac life support (again, based on their guidelines.) On the fourth month, we will be allowed to do CPR, give medications, administer oxygen therapy, suction and read basic ECG and ABG (basically all essential nursing skills.) On the fifth month, we can already insert IV on patients and perform ACLS. This lasts up to the sixth month. On the seventh month, we will be promoted as junior staff (and have new uniforms.)

Although the ER is a "toxic" place to be, I really promise to do my best. This shall be my new beginning!

First Week: Orientation Over

At last, orientation is over. After two big time tardiness, one missed test and zero recitations, I was able to survive the boring lectures. I'm not proud of it though. But I just hate lectures, that's all. I need action!

The director of nursing gave us the areas which we will be deployed. Most of us were placed in the standard nursing units including me. The others were assigned in special units probably because they did well in the tests. Somehow, I knew I was going to be placed in the ward (although I'm still looting for the ER department.)

I made an oath to excel in my training work in the ward, a just compensation over my failures during the lecture days.

It's quite funny to see my friends disappointed that they didn't get the area of their choice. As for me, I'm really looking forward to it (especially the uniform with my name sewn on it.) This would be my very first hands-on work as a professional nurse. And come to think of it, I got directly hired by one of the country's premiere hospitals. I'm ready to get busy!

By the way, I found out an easier way to travel back home. There's a shuttle terminal just beside the Ayala MRT station, and it was there all along! Sweetness.

First Day

Orientation for the new staff nurses at the Makati Medical Center.

All I can say is that it was an utter boredom. I can barely recall what we discussed. All I care about is the pay and benefits we'll be getting hopefully by next month.

Apparently, there were only four of us from thy Alma mater. I have to say, it's quite embarrassing. We were outnumbered by another top performing school. I felt out of place. But outcast as we were, we manage to pull ourselves together. I just hope they're truly friendly.

I was already exhausted by the end of the lectures. Then we had the huge hospital tour which made my condition worse. My new set of eyes are straining from pain.

But that wasn't the highlight of my first day. What really made my day was the travel back home. My friend and I were looking for a shuttle ride direct at our places. We were assuming that it was somewhere near so we walked, and walked, and walked... In the middle of the night we were at the streets of Makati, scouring areas to find that shuttle terminal. Eventually, we gave up looking and just took a jeep going to MRT station.

At the MRT station, the sight was even worse. After buying the tickets, we tried lining up with the bunch of people. We kind of inserted oursleves in the middle trying not to be noticed. Fortunately, the guy behind me was kind enough to give way to us.

It took us three missed trains for us to get the painful ride. Yeah, it was painful. The train was literally so full that I almost got squished in the door pane. My organs were starting to flatten like pancakes. It was awful.

After a tumultuous traffic I was finally home in one flat piece. I am really tired and dizzed up. I'm just trying to squeeze out the remains of my energy typing this thing.